Today, my thirteen month old licked my face. It’s how he gives kisses at the moment. So, because I knew he was giving me a kiss, I thought “ahhhh, cute.” Not “arghhhhh, gross,” which is, I think, the natural response to someone licking your face.
And it got me thinking about the things I just accept as ‘normal’ now that I have children.
Most of these apply to Mums and Dads (and possibly some Grandparents!) with the exception (hopefully) of number 9…..
1. Picking someone else’s nose. Not only does it become ‘not-weird’ but you, actually, secretly enjoy the satisfaction of getting that elusive bogey from your child’s nostril.
2. The idea of watching grown adults open Kinder Eggs and unbox toys, and then play with them, on YouTube. This is just an everyday occurrence now. Seriously. Grown men playing with Thomas the Tank Engines.
3. Talking about poo. Our eldest recently went through a phase of ‘runny poos’. My husband and I updated each other after every bowel movement: “that one was semi-solid darling.” We said it as naturally as if we were asking if the other if they wanted a cuppa.
5. Paying for someone else to look after your child so you can go back to work in order to afford the cost of paying someone to look after your child. Shout out to all the parents earning around £136 a month after nursery fees.
6. Answering questions like “how can I change this carrot into a potato?” and “can you smell my trump Mummy?”
7. Eating food that has been chewed by someone else. If you say that you’ve never eaten a half chewed rice cake that your child has spat into your hand, I say you’re lying.
8. Peppa Pig. Even if you suspend belief about the pigs living in houses and driving cars, or Miss Rabbit working a hundred jobs without hearing a peep from the unions. Even if you can cope with the voice of Dr Hamster the vet or with the arrogance of Edmund Elephant. Even if the ‘Bing Bong Song’ doesn’t make you reach for a bottle of wine at 10am. Even if all these things are completely normal, you know that Peppa Pig has got you in her clutches when even Mr Potato seems run-of-the-mill. If you are not familiar with Mr Potato, imagine the character below announcing to a world of talking animals; “Your friend, and man, Mr Potato,” in a slightly Russian accent. Terrifying.
9. ‘Leaking’ when you sneeze/cough/laugh. Never has ‘I pissed myself laughing’ been more meaningful.
10. Feeling like a part of your heart is walking around outside of your body. Pre-kids this would be scary. Now? Totes normal.
And now some normal things which become weird (unlikely) once you have kids:
- Reading for pleasure