The 12 Steps of Checking on Your Sleeping Children

Step 1

Loiter outside bedroom door, suddenly aware of how loudly you breathe. Decide to go in.

Step 2

Immediately regret decision when you remember how creaky the floorboards are.

Step 3

Creep ninja-like across bedroom to child’s bed, trying to avoid creaking floorboards.

Step 4

Look at child in bed.

Step 5

Realise you can’t tell if child is breathing or not. Poke child to check.

Step 6

Hold breath as child suddenly, but not unexpectedly thanks to the poking, stirs.

Step 7

Wince as you watch child re-settle. Release breath.

Step 8

Begin to creep back out of the room, moving in a way which suggests there are laser beams across the room like a strange sort of parent Crystal Maze. Those floorboards again.

Step 9

Freeze as child makes noise. You’re probably doing unintentional yoga at this point.

Step 10

Sigh with relief as you realise child is still asleep. Continue ninja-laser walk across bedroom until you reach the door.

Step 11

Sigh with relief. Again.

Step 12

Pour wine.


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  1. Love the Ninja laser walk and the unintentional yoga! (And the wine of course). I have been known to drop to my knees and commando crawl out of the bedroom on my elbows…

    Brilliant and very funny. Thanks for linking with #FartGlitter x

  2. Heehee. I remember this phase with my first. Now the dog can literallybark right beside his head and he won't wake up. My second though? Oh man. We don't even check on him. You even open the door silently and he will just suddenly stand up in his crib and look at you so we just skip straight to step 12.
    #FartGlitter. I feel really weird adding that hastag but the linky told me to!!!!

  3. Hahah, this was exactly what I used to do. I've now realised I could ride a donkey through his room singing Banarama songs and he wouldn't wake up. Things I've learned post coming up haha! Thanks for linking up with #chucklemums come back next week!

  4. Gosh this made me smile….especially the wine bit. I can't tell you how many times I have been woken by Mother's hand landing on my chest to check on my breathing. It is very disconcerting and almost always wakes me, much to Father's chagrin x #chucklemums

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