But this post is kind of an antithesis to those.
Because there are some things that I’m so glad I was ignorant about. Because you know what they say about ignorance.
It really is bliss.
Here are the things I am so glad I didn’t know before I had children.
1. Imagine the most tired you’ve ever been. Then multiply it by a million. Then repeat for a year. This is how tired you’ll feel when you have children. Especially if they’re not sleep fans.
2. Some days you will want to cut your own ears off to avoid hearing “Muuuuummmmmmyyyyyy” a billion times.
3. Some times your other half may audibly chew in a way which makes you want to leave them. You do not want to leave them. You want everyone to leave you. Alone. Just for five chuffing minutes.
4. You will have to stop painting your nails. Because you do not get five effing minutes of time that you can guarantee will be uninterrupted by, including but not limited to, requests to open Babybel cheeses, requests to attach a toy train to its carriage, a train to the head when your toddler decides he hates the train being attached to the carriage, a request to wipe someone’s bum, dinner, breakfast, lunch, snacks, drinks and a request to stand still whilst a 3 year old aims a disc shooter at you whilst saying, and I quote, “stand still Mummy, I’m trying to get you on the bonce.”
5. Tea and coffee will henceforth be lukewarm.
6. That Pinterest board full of smoothies, quinoa and ab exercises will need to be archived because you will do NONE OF IT after having your baby, preferring instead to shower, sleep and change out of pyjamas.
7. For the next five years, the only books you will read from start to finish will be The Gruffalo, The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Dear Zoo. Game of Thrones will take you YEARS.
8. Not all children want to bake and paint. Some children want to play dodgeball and ‘real life rugby’ (proper tackling required)
9. Children don’t understand Christmas when they are one year old.
11. Children cost you a lot of money. Not because of presents. Because nappies, food, clothes. Basic human needs which child benefit, generous as it is, does not cover. Especially with the second child when you get half. Er, I know I’ve done it once but this one poos just as much so I need the same amount of nappies. And the first one swallowed all the food so we can’t re-use it. We CAN re-use some of his clothes but we didn’t plan very well and had our babies in opposite seasons (Summer and Winter) so the shorts number 1 was rocking at his first birthday party (see point 10) were not so great on Valentine’s Day for number 2 (yes, his birthday is Valentine’s Day. Nothing says romance like squeezing a human from between your thighs. I did get a box of Maltesers though).
12. Hello jeggings. I can’t stop wearing you. You wily false-sense-of-security lulling leg friends. You obviously want me to keep my baby weight. Why else would you have an elasticated waist?
If you know anyone who’s pregnant, don’t tell them these things. If you’re pregnant and reading this? Sorry. At least you can go shopping for some nice jeggings.